Explain Yourself

There's an odd difficulty I have with writing, or more particularly, with writing something that may be attributed to me. It's a weight that often comes down on me as I consider opening up my text editor or putting pen to paper.

When I write something, I feel the need to be confident in (and comfortable with) my ability to explain the writing.

On one side there's the normal (or at least I assume it's normal) need to be willing and able to defend any opinions presented, or sides taken, in the writing. This in itself is difficult enough. As I've gotten older the more I've learned how much I don't know, and how often an answer or even opinion is "it depends."

But there's also another side to the writing I feel the need to explain: why did I even write it in the first place? If asked why I bothered to write about feeling the need to explain myself would I be able to...explain myself? What tips the scales enough to make something worth writing about? Or am I just writing about whatever comes to mind? And if the latter, why isn't the writing more frequent - surely there is more coming to mind?

Both sides are probably a manifestation of some insecurity, some worry I have that I will be judged by those both known and unknown when they come across the writing. And not only that they will judge the substance of the writing or the side it takes, but that they may judge me, the person behind the writing, by the fact I chose to put pen to paper about these specific things.

The reality is I will almost surely not have to explain myself or any of this writing. But the simple possibility of it is enough to influence when, how, and about what I do decide to write.

Anonymous writing has its place. Some use it for experimentation, others for art, others simply to ensure their safety in otherwise unsafe environments. But for me, and the personal thoughts and essays I post here, I think I'd rather bumble my way through explanations, shrugging my shoulders even when I'm not sure, vs. trying to avoid the responsibility of the words that I write down.